Psychological and Physiological Phases
that affect grievers...

"Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the world!"

From Shelley:
"I am going to share my own personal philosophy about grief... what I call, "good grief". There is good grief, and there is poor grief. Like doing a good job, or just getting by, if we want to one day thrive again, we have to strive right now to not be content with just getting by, merely surviving. We have to work on our grief---hence, the following philosophy. I think all of life is a ritual of patterns. We get up and usually do the same routine every morning. Am I right? We wash our face, make the bed, change clothes, eat breakfast... usually all done the same way, each day. When we lose a loved one... our patterns are altered. What would happen if the tailor altered lets say, our pants, while we were sleeping? They wouldn't fit, would they? Okay, think on this---> Your grief has ALTERED your life. You must conform and redevelop new patterns (sew new pants) to get by. I realized this when I could not sleep. I couldnt. I was exhausted... but I would wake up, wide awake every night for months. Well, I decided an adjustment was needed--- my "pants" didnt fit. So I created a VERY RITUALISTIC approach to getting me to bed so I slept soundly. I stopped caffeine earlier, I turned off the tv earlier, my baths were hotter, and my music softer after a certain hour. Each day, I was stringent on what helped calm my spirit so I would sleep better that night. Every griever must change their patterns. You have something that doesnt fit right anymore! What patterns have changed for you? Is it eating habits, sleeping habits, exercise, your laughter? Hmmm??? Do you have "good grief", or do you have poor grief? How you handle grief now, affects your future. You have to work through this! Think on these things, then proceed with phases!"

Phases of grief   Shock/Denial            Depression            Anger            Bargaining        Resolution

Phases: These Phases are not in any given order, because in grief they return at different times even though you may have already experienced them. Do not think because you are happy one day, that you are healed, ready to seek a new relationship or make drastic changes. Phases change frequently. Many factors cause your mood shifts, including dates, scents, sights, sounds. Do not be too hard on yourself if you are UP one day, then down the next day.  These feelings are normal and can be addressed by a professional counselor who specializes in grief. If a counselor does not seem to work well with you, then find another. Not all counselors are suitable for your grief.  Before you set an appointment, check to see  if they specialize in grief therapy. This is extremely helpful to resolve any underlying issues related to the grief! We don't recognize it, that is why they are needed.

Shock/Denial The initial phase of grief is shock. Our bodies react physiologically to the event of death. You walk around in a fog, in a surreal state. You feel unable to make sense of the events happening around you. Remember that this is normal and even necessary for a time. It is our body's way of protecting us against the intensity of our loss. This is normal and can be dealt with, by allowing yourself time to accept the reality of what has transpired. It is most important during this stage to accept help; do not drive, since you are not conscience of your complete surroundings, but have someone drive you places; eat healthy foods because you will forget to do so due to loss of appetite. If however, you find yourself in a state of denial for a long period of time (say 6 months or more) consult a psychological professional to help you move forward in your grieving process. 

Depression These are feelings of hopelessness and despair. You feel as though life is not worth living and feel like giving up. You feel everything you have depended on has been lost. You feel listless, tired, and prefer to sleep a lot. Many individuals turn to drugs, anti-depressants, and/or liquor during this time. While sleep aids, anti-depressants, and a drink now and then are not problematic, but if they hinder your journey to healing; or if they become a crutch to get through each moment; or the frequency and reliance increases, these are not suitable for your mental health. Depression can lead to many addictive behaviors. Many a widow has found comfort by frequent indulgences, and yet find themselves just as depressed. Be careful to monitor your behavior and seek help as needed. 

Anger Once it occurs to you that this has really happened, you may go through moments of short temper and angry outbursts. It is important not to hide your anger from yourself and others. It may be frightening to allow this emotion to surface. You may feel incapable of handling this reaction and not know what to do without hurting someone. You may ask, "Why did you leave me like this?" or "Why?" "How come....?" among many other questions.  It is okay to ask questions and to express your anger in a careful manner. Find a safe outlet for this reaction and you will resolve this emotion. Be aware of anger and careful of who or what receives it.  It is okay to be mad at a doctor, the family, the loved one who is gone, or even GOD. (God had alot of people int he bible angry at him at different times! You will strengthen your faith by confessing your feeling, anyway! He already knows it anyway!)  Usually after anger, comes the bargaining response.

Bargaining You want to make arrangements with GOD to heal this, "NOW!".  You want Him to turn back time, or end your life so you can be with your loved one. This is wakeful period... fully aware & facing your reality... when you struggle to accept it. It can be a feeling of futility. The acceptance of this reality seems more than you can handle. This is when most people seek spiritual resolution.  It is a good time to consult your spiritual leader. Do not try to "make things right".  Be VERY careful of new relationships which are usually just underlying feelings of fear and insecurity!  New relationships are common mistakes during this time, since you are emotionally vulnerable. Healing takes time, and time takes patience! Another individual can not make things right... more comfortable possibly, possibly less stressed, but they can not make things right because what you want to be right, is for things to be back to the way they were before your loss! A new person in your life can not do that! You have become whole again, before you are ready to offer your heart to another!  

Resolution You accept your reality & loss and are better able to cope with daily routines. You are less angry, and less likely to hide your feelings. Your  interests and hobby interests start to return, though lacking in intensity. You are not as physically tired. You are ready to make future plans for yourself. Time has helped bring about a minor league sense of peace. Though the tears still come, they are more sporadic than consistent, and usually are triggered. 

All of these feelings are phases of grief that ALL people go through. Those that deny these usually have side-stepped a phase of grief. Normal does not exist for the griever.  

To begin life anew takes time, patience and fore-bearance.  It is good to recognize these phases so that you may understand you are normal during a time, when nothing feels that way! It is good to give yourself permission to laugh again. Look at the picture at the top of this page. What caption would you add to it? Go ahead.... LAUGH!
Laughter, through the tears, is cleansing! It is equally good to just sometimes sit and cry. Both are good for you!

God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give away and the mountains fall in to the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging! Yea we will not fear! Ps 48:1-3

Tears are a testimony of the heart!